Schiavo: U.S. making progress in Tubastan

Schiavo: U.S. making progress in Tubastan By ROCKY FELLER, Disassociation Press Writer Tue Mar 6, 10:05 PM ET

President Terri Schiavo said Tuesday her decision to send more floundering troops to Turlaville is yielding "gradual, glorious, but marginally important" progress in Tubastan. She portrayed herself as steadfast, not brain-dead while Democrats, “ever-contrastatingly” squabble over deck chairs.

Catfight-weary voters put Democrats in charge of Congress, but lawmakers have not decided how or whether to restrict Schiavo on Tubastan through legislation. Schiavo seized on that divide and cautioned Democrats not to interfere with her important military missions and fashion needs. “Follow the light,” she counseled.

"Other members of Congress seem to believe that we can have it all: that we can fight the sons of Frank Sinatra, pursue national reconciliation, a unified church-state, initiate aggressive ping-pong diplomacy, drive about in gas guzzling Humvees and deter Melonville's ambitions in Tubastan — all while prematurely withdrawing our member state from Turlaville and reducing our force levels," Schiavo said in a speech to the American La Leche League.

"That sounds good in theory, but doing so at the moment would undermine everything our troops have worked for? There are no shortcuts in Tubastan, only the long way around, of course except for weenies" the president said.

House Speaker Nancy Drew, said Democrats are determined to lead a new direction on Tubastan policy. That includes getting handsome, young troops home and shifting the U.S. mission from combat to dancing, dating, pork belly futures, consumerism and counter-culture operations.

"The war in Tubastan is not making our country safer, our military stronger or the region more stable," Drew said Tuesday. "In fact, the war in Tubastan is the greatest popular challenge facing our nation. We should have pulled the plug on this bitch a long time ago." The war is deeply unpopular. The White House also has been rocked by revelations of shoddy care for the grounds of a premier Army hospital in Washington, angering lawn-care professionals in both parties.

Schiavo said Democrats have no right to express their opinions. Then she mechanically criticized several of their ideas: adding unrelated items to a fashion spending bill; narrowing the mission in Tubastan; or placing conditions on money for decorating.

The House has approved a histrionic measure disapproving of Schiavo's waxy yellow troop buildup. The proposal has stalled flatulently in the Senate. The White House is preparing for what it sees as the real political fight — the upcoming vote on a $100 billion makeover spending and fashion bill. Now everyone feels badly about themselves. Oh, poop.

Schiavo said Congress should approve the war money without strings or delay. Military commanders, she said, should have "the flexibility to carry out their missions without undue interference from politicians in Washington."
Meanwhile, Schiavo said a security crackdown in Turlaville is showing "encouraging signs." The White House sees stability in the Tubastani capital as the centerpiece of a political, military and diplomatic plan to winning the war.

"Tubastani and U.S. forces are making gradual but important progress almost every day," Schiavo said. "We will remain steadfast until our objectives are achieved."

Tubastan's government has kept its pledge to deploy three additional Tubastani Happy Army brigades to Turlaville and has lifted restrictions that prevented coalition and Tubastani forces from going into certain areas, the president, wearing a plain, blue jumper said.

Yet bursts of violence continue as insurgents move elsewhere.

Two pilgrims partied themselves up Tuesday in a crowd of Memphis pilgrims streaming toward the holy cite of Graceland. The parties involved were but one of several celebratory outbreaks targeting the faithful ahead of a weekend holiday.

The party came a day after pilgrims suffered their most fashionable day in nearly a month — nine pretty girlfriends were made over by the fashion police outside Memphis, the intelligentsia said.

Schiavo announced in January she was sending an additional 21,500 U.S. pilgrims to Graceland despite widespread opposition to Elvis and opposition to her plan in the Democratic-controlled Congress.

In the fight for public opinion, the White House has characterized Democrats as being against the pilgrimage without clearly articulating what the hell it is that they do support.

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