My Dinner With Barney Rubble

The other night I had the opportunity of catching up with Barney Rubble at an “early bird special” at the Bedrock City Diner. Like many senior citizens, Barney likes to take advantage of the special discounts afforded by dining early. (Barney’s dowager bride, Betty was unable to join us as she was visiting their son Bam Bam at the Bedrock City Jail).

While still ready with the good-humored quip and self-deprecating laugh, Barney has definitely slowed down a step or two. The high threshold of the diner presented more of a challenge than it did in his prime Water Buffalo Lodge Lieutenant days.

After hearing about Barney’s assortment of ailments (trick knee, stiff neck, arthritis, hernia, loss of hearing, insomnia, gardener’s elbow) we began discussing the changes around town. Barney was quite enthused with some of the new dinosaur-powered innovations, like the Megalosaurus-Powered water works. Also the carrier archaeopteryx has been supplanted by flying toad. “Quite a step up!” he said.

As our Diplodocus-steaks smothered in seed pods arrived, I asked Barney about his old pal, Fred Flintstone. Barney lowered his head and averted his black button eyes for a second. “Fred hasn’t been the same since Dino died,” he said. It appeared that a few Stone Age years back, Dino (who as a domestic velociraptor, should have outlived Fred by 100 years or so) was infected with a reptilian parasite which killed him in a choking death by green foam in a scant two day period. Fred was devastated and after that, his health took a decided stone age turn for the worse.

First, Fred lost his eyesight. Then as his teeth fell out, his ravenous cave-man appetite declined and he lost weight precipitously. Wilma could do nothing to assuage his grief and decline, although she tried. Finally, Fred turned to religion, worshipping “the God who whistles in the tree tops”. This alone stanched his rapid decline. Barney seemed to hold out some faint hope for Fred’s return to heartiness. “We haven’t bowled together in 7 months,” he stated glumly. "Hmm," I said, mentally picturing the weary, blind, toothless Fred trying to bowl.

After coffee, I tried to boost Barney’s spirits by suggesting we track down some hookers, my treat. I saw the twinkle return to his eye, but he declined the offer. “I hear they have some nasty prehistoric STDs just now.”

I said my goodbye and watched as Barney toddled off toward his split level cave home.