Poissons de Feu, band from hell

What’s in a name? Like, for instance “The Darkness”? Why should this macho-effeminate-posturizing English band call themselves this? Wouldn’t another name (such as “Mincing Poofters”) be more accurate? Ah, but Queen-derived rock bands need names with an edge, names that are cool. Certainly, “The Darkness” as a name, is very cool.

That is, today its cool. Cool becomes passé inordinately quickly and then mutates into tomorrow’s cringingly painful (in pop culture terms). Perhaps The Darkness will outlive the temporariness of pop fame and blend into another category of cool, like “Classic Rock Cool” or “Retro Kitsch Cool” rather than becoming Really Embarrassing.

I can remember way back in '67 - '68 when “The Strawberry Alarm Clock” was a cool band name, the coolest of 'em all for about 4 months. Then everything suddenly (due to the vagaries of teen pop cool) shifted and became the uncoolest name possible. “Woo, hippy dippy trippy, man!” Hip and hippies became hipper. Now this name is definitely in the retro kitsch cool camp.

(But why should we be stuck with long-term memories of eminently disposable crud like this? The SAC took their name from the popular configuration of lsd of the same name – if we can believe that. And the product they put out was really sub-intelligent. Their “song” “Incense and Peppermints” was a whiny, droning, annoying mistake of a hit record that appealed mainly to 11-14 year old girls and, like so many other pop songs, trailed off miserably into ‘sha la la la’s’ because the cretins who wrote it couldn’t think of any other oh-so-mystical-and-psychedelic lyrics to tag onto it. It sucks. Boy, does it ever!)

So anyway, having unnecessarily thought up thousands of band names myself, its hard to get a handle on what’s cool now and what isn’t. Also, what is merely stupid and what is stupid in a clever way? Who knows? It’s always shifting after all and it doesn’t really matter.

My favorite unused band name is “Mental Dwarf”. God, what a terrific name for a band! This is sort of in the mode of Spinal Tap. I picture some complete idiot standing on stage, feedback droning around him as the last song of the night dies a slow death, lights flash, drunken idiots roar from the audience and the idiot yells “Thank you, Schenectady! We are Mental Dwarf!” Their music would be very serious and poor quality metal, like Son of Grand Funk Railroad or an extremely inept Metallica. Perhaps “The Darkness” could have a side project called “Mental Dwarf”?

Some more names: Tone Arm,The Bilge, the Craziad, Crusted Gnorf,The Bill Smith Band Barney Rubble Band.

That reminds me, anyone’s name with any number seems to be a band name for now: Ben Folds Five (which is a trio). What the hell! Why not “the Jack Ocker Ten Man Orchestra”, which of course would just be Jack Ocker and a drum machine?