Ornithology Notes

from “Marco Van Trobbeaner’s Birds of North America”

The Eat Bird
This huge, sluggish, repulsively ugly bird flies long distances, swooping down to eat everything in its path, up to and including 400 pound cattle. It flies along, screaming and flapping its mottled black and red wings, while terrifying and blighting the countryside along its way. After eating a large animal, it oftentimes cannot fly away again due to its increased weight, so instead it sits in a meadow or barnyard, screaming and beating its wings up and down, glaring and charging at any unfortunate creature that passes its way.

The Squawk Bird
The Squawk Bird is a squat, square-headed waterfowl somewhat larger and much stouter than a Canadian Goose. It is so-named due to its loud, incessant squawking. These birds have been known to flock on the water near a human habitation and squawk loudly and hideously all night and all day for weeks on end. Nearly extinct from hunting as a pest, the squawk bird is not good to eat, its flesh being tough and leathery.