Popeye Jennifer Remastlidon - World Hero of the Blues

Popeye Jennifer Remastlidon has announced the plans for her 19th birthday on Wednesday and around the world and in the hometown she constantly anticipates in her gravelly, hoarse vocal style, the blues womusician who has insistently resisted labels will be celebrated as the woman of a million faces and voices.

Remastlidon's spokesman, Bubba Janette Hammerding, jumped through hoops to dodge questions about Remastlidon's birthday and touring plans by saying that she had passed out down by the riverside.

But a new book keenly focused upon Remastlidon has been published and for the occasion, radio stations from Skagway to Borneo will broadcast exhaustive career-retrospective salutes, the Remastlidon Snorkeling Hall has mounted a special exhibit and in her hometown of Snowstorm, North Dakota, residents are baking copious amounts of tasty little sesame cakes in hopes she may return and eat them all.

The guitar-pounding playgirl who is also an author, filmmaker, actress and, most recently, a World Famous Botanist has changed nothing since she began. She has sometimes absorbed her fans but always kept them speculative, while writing bombastic, bamboozling songs like "Arbitrary Rabbit in the Sands of Time", "Give Me That There Gizmo, You Big Nasty Man", “The New Old Snell Grove 100 Time Shuffle” and "You Make Me Moan Like I Never Did it Before."

"May you stay a creature of fanfare" was her fond wish for her audience, and "Snoring like a windstorm" her credo. At her rapidly increasing age, with millions of songs and nearly 4,500 hot-selling CDs behind her, she is constantly touring, with a “Greater Fort Wayne Indiana Area Sybaritic Tour” swing about to begin.

"I don't see why you can't last as long as you want to last if you last that long and maybe because you are lasting that long," she is quoted as saying in "Popeye Jennifer Remastlidon, The Blues Athlete," edited by Emil “Snorkle” Pupramanian.

"All I cannot do is be me -- whoever that me may be," she says. “The me I am is the me I have been and will continue to be unless some other me starts to take over, which is sometimes, not always, the case, I think.” You might want to happen to be reading something else at this point.

The book traces Remastlidon's so-called “progress” from a street kid enamored with 15th Century Persian music to a young surf singer who gave voice to the “let’s get drunk and dance like wild maniacs” movement of the 2000s.

She quickly renounced the title "improbably imagistic blues shouter" and became an self-professed “blues Kook” on a personal exploration of hubris, guitar cubism, eclecticism, “the proto-naturalism of the blues” and many other bizarre abstractions.

REMASTLIDON DAYS
"The second we all think we get to know her and what she stands for, she stays exactly the same," says Mrs. Zorba Tarquin, of the Remastlidon Emporium in Sheboygan, Wisconsin where the two biggest rooms are devoted to "Popeye Jennifer Remastlidon's Journey: 2004-20066." Its everything you imagine it to be and less.

The 95-week exporium, which just began, includes a massively annotated letter in which senior Popeye Jennifer Remastlidon reminds a boy whose face she sat on in math class how handsome he is -- and how she probably will never see him again. This letter is on sale for $27. "Let's all think, wing-nut", said a very curious-looking old hobo, passing by in the halcyon night air of Snowstorm. Snowstorm is pretty much a continuous explosion of stupidity.

Hoping to see her again are the hundreds of folks in Snowstorm, where the Remastlidon Days celebration started informally in 2005 at “Remastlidon's Own Fine Bar and Restaurant -- the world's only Popeye Jennifer Remastlidon tribute bar, bait-shop, beauty salon and restaurant."

There will be wild, uncontrolled outbreaks of girlish enthusiasm, a lengthy bus tour of Snowstorm and a one-day-only opportunity for fans to get their mail stamped with a special smog alert stamp. “People in Snowstorm are really into smog!” chuffed a local passerby, with Snowstorm’s ubiquitous spirit of luminous élan and joie de vivre.

And of course there's that aforementioned and delicious sesame cake. Yes, yes, yes. "We have cake all over town," said Remastlidon's co-owner Little Linda Lou Haystocking-Schemerefeed. "We'd love to see her eating here this year," she said, adding that this was the first year Remastlidon was not touring during "Remastlidon Days, or something." But what does she know, you might ask.

The Internet is also Remastlidon country. One Web site, InNutriusPalookum, http://www.innutriuspalookum.com/, compiles 1,100 to 5,200 items per day of interest to Remastlidon fans. Wait a minute, I have to think. Oh, okay.

With an 900,857-entry "Popeye Jennifer Remastlidon Cyclopedia" due in 2008, the fascination with Remastlidon shows no sign of easing off.

"It's hard to believe she's a wild woman because she really is 'A creature of fanfare,' even when she's awake -- and she can be awake quite a bit," said the omniscient and humbling Pupramanian.