The Golden Voyage of Barney Rubble, part 4

As we got out onto the rank and stinking green of the world sea, the ribbons of white foamy waves slammed and roared incessantly, pitching the golden vessel up and down I started drinking centipede juice and became slightly intoxicated. I determined to remain so throughout this hideous voyage. (Drunk at sea is better than sober, especially when dealing with such a captain and crew!)

On the second day, the clamor of the whole enterprise began to grate on me. “These fucking sea monsters look powerful and dangerous!” I shouted over the roar of the ocean to Barney, who smiled idiotically and nodded.

Suddently one of the morons, Demerispo squatted and shit on deck. Barney turned brilliant purple. His eyes bulged and he drew his sharkjaw sword. Vibrating with fury, he stomped off after Demerispo. I have never seen anything so horrifying in my whole life. I was certain that Barney would cut him into barbecue chunks when suddenly, my golden shit bird flew up from a long flight onshore, shit on the moron shit and turned it all into a pile of gold. With that, Barney snapped out of his homicidal trance and smiled serenely.

Demerispo grabbed the pile of gold and with two large stones, beat it into a golden helmet, which he promptly sated upon his head. Oh, what merriment ensued!

The shit bird rested upon my shoulder, shitting gold down the back of my tunic. Whenever one of the crew relieved himself with a #2, he would now do it on deck and the shit bird would convert it to fresh helmet material, any residuals of which could be peddled ashore for slave girls and what-not. “Welcome back, Mr Shitbird!” I fairly sang.

But not all was so perfect. Several days out to sea, an enormous Squawk Bird swooped down and ate one of the moron’s heads off. Quickly, the other morons set upon it with razor sharp lizard jaws, puncturing it and then bleeding it dry. After gutting it, they hoisted it aloft in effigy to warn other squawk birds and flying monsters away from our fearful ship. The ruse was successful as no other heads were lost in this way.

I learned that strange things can happen out at sea: one night the moon rose full, and after it had scaled the full complement of the heavens, Barney spotted it and began howling at the moon like a dog. When this happened, the morons skulked furtively to the extremities of the deck and cowered pathetically as the ship plowed on, unmanned. I grabbed the wheel and the plaintive howling continue till the moon set.